Twice in the last 3 years i was blocked from visiting this site by the IT department and both times after a while the block was lifted. very strange indeed.

I am still here ... I log in almost everyday to read my message and then move on.

Just thought you should know .... know ... know ... know ...

hmmm. seems we picked up an echo somewhere ... where ... where ... where.

*sigh*

You are unbelievably beautiful.

A friend of Anat, JH, can be a very difficult woman to deal with. Once she gets her head stuck on something it aint movin'. You'd almost think she was a man.

One day she met a man. She liked him. He had money, they had similar interests. Apearently he liked her, and maybe he liked dificult women. She was attractive, great body ... thin, but not pretty.

On the first date. He showed up at the door and she was immediately mad at him. Not only that but she never forgave him. and held it against him continiously, but never hold him why. From that point on she wouldnt let him do anything right, or at least not for long.

"he was going to have to make it up to me, before i have sex with him." And she would push him away, and force him to come back to her. And he did too, but not for long. When they would meet, she would say to us, "If he does ...., and this .... and that I will forgive him (because of the context what she expected would be obvious."

And it may have been obvious to her, and maybe obvious to you too. But it wasnt obvious to me, or to Anat.

Anyway, as i was saying it wasnt long befor he just stopped calling. She was upset because,"Its up to him to call me." We didnt think so. They would pass and she would ignore him, and couldnt figure out why he wouldnt come over and talk to her.

Its sad that sometime we get caught up into the game we are trying to play instead of enjoying life is it was ment to be.

Oh, I almost forgot (i did actually), What did he do that she never forgave him for and ruined her romance? When he show up at the door he didnt have a huge bouquet of flowers and a dress (that fits no less) for her to wear out that evening.

Anyway... I think i am off ...

But i have said this before... I am going to leave it for reading my other blogs and switch to "alajjana".

That is the plan anyway..

ttfn

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2845521

Comedy - The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Rob Riggle investigates the controversy surrounding Largo's transgender City Manager.

Bush: There is going to be plenty of time for debate ... and a political discussion, and a policy discussion. Now is not the time. Now i am more interested in helping people heal right now.

---

'Plenty of time'? How long is 'plenty of time'?

"The pig go. Go is to the fountain. The pig put foot. Grunt. Foot in what? ketchup. The dove fly. Fly is in sky. The dove drop something. The something on the pig. The pig disgusting. The pig rattle. Rattle with dove. The dove angry. The pig leave. The dove produce. Produce is chicken wing. With wing bark. No Quack."

---

http://worsethanfailure.com/Articles/No,_We_Need_a_Neural_Network.aspx

Sometimes i wonder if i can do anything right as it relates to others.

Is she is a master manipulator? Or maybe she finally found someone that understands, is open minded, tolerant and compassionate?

I don’t have a clue.

[CONTINUES]

The next day I called her. I was just leaving work… (and those of you who read this are not going to believe what I am about to tell you.) … She answered the phone, “Ohhh, looks who is calling. Couldn’t stop thinking about me?”

“No, not at all, I have thought about nothing else but you, except when I was sleeping, and I really can’t be sure about then. Actually I called to say that I want to be friends only … (details about why i only want to be friends, something not mentioned here, but it is here if you read between the lines and that you really don’t need to know anythying about), but if you want to go out I don’t mind paying.”

“That’s fine with me. What are you doing tonight?”

(long silence; as I have never been asked out before, I didn’t clear with Anat, and I had no money after the weekend out with Anat, and the date with her the previous night)

“I have no plans, but I will have to talk with Anat. She might have something planned.”

“How about a going to movie? Call me at 7pm and we will talk about it.”

I picked her up at 8:30pm. The movie was at 10:15pm. She wasn’t in the car for 3 minutes and she asked me a question. “Did you tell Anat …(about the details mentioned above?)”

I should have lied, but I don’t like to lie.

She was mad. Very mad. I offered to take her home. Several times. She delined.

We went for a beer and pesto pizza. She seemed to be over being mad, but I was hardly over feeling like a crumb.

At the movie theater I offered popcorn and a drink. She declined, which made sense as we just ate. But I was thirsty and bought a drink. Three minutes into the movie she said she was going to get popcorn. “You have a brilliant way of making me feel like shit!” She looked back, smiled and kept walking. She returned with nochos.

During the movie she snuggled up next to me. I ignored her advances. Ok that is a lie. As far as she could tell I was ignoring her advances; four of the five limbs were in full compliance.

We talked briefly on Saturday. She was out with friends; she said she would call back.

Part of me says I should have responded to her flirtations, but it is a small part. I cannot take advantage of her. Even if it is she who is trying taking advantage of me.

I will call her on Tuesday, and ask her out for Thursday. Assuming we get that far in our conversation.

Why call the master manipulator and ask her out? Simple. What if I am wrong? Often when I am wrong, I am spectacularly wrong. And I am a glutton for punishment.

Now you are upto date...

[CONT] If there is anything else to write about...

She called last night around 8:30. (after a bit of phone tag.) She was downtown with friends. We met, she took me to a Jazz bar she likes (and knows the entire staff). We had some drinks. We talked. We had fun. I drover her home.

[CONTINUES]

I didn’t get a chance to finish. It was time to pick up K at the bbsitter.

I am going to back peddle a bit.

She is a very confusing person. There seems to be a trend with transsexuals living a life opposite of the one they want. They seem to be stuck, trapped, and unable to free themselves.

She is no exception. She has a beautiful smile, it goes from ear to ear, she smiles often, but the few times she is not she has a look of profound sadness.

She obviously … she gets men. And is very comfortable talking to men, what I mean to say is that she is used to talking to people who do not listen. She knows how to bend men around her finger and get them to do what she wants. She is a master manipulator. She made it very clear she is not looking for a relation ship. She is in survival mode, and she is very good at it.

The little we talked about Tsyche she had very little that was good to say about her, and was very dubious of all of Tsyches motivations. It was very revealing about her true character. No. That’s not fair. It was revealing to what she has to do to survive in a world where she is not accepted.

She has had a very tough time finding a job since she transitioned in 2002. Before that she should dress occasionally, mostly on her own time. She went full time without HRT or surgery. Except for the raspy voice she is completely natural.

Currently she volunteers as a councilor for other transsexuals, and is doing a survey about immigration.

It didn’t take her long to figure out my status and suggested that no matter how much I want to transition that I should not. She has lost a great deal of her life because she transitioned (even though she is almost stealth), and those that she councils have lost a great deal as well. For those who do not pass, she claims, the situation is far worse.

Can you tell we had a good talk? On the way to her place she was telling me about her situation, in particular, why she in not looking for a relationship and was on the verge of tears. I reached over and held her hand (in her lap) most of the way home.

Is she is a master manipulator? Or maybe she finally found someone that understands, is open minded, tolerant and compassionate?

I don’t have a clue.
[CONT]

I am going t break from tradition and actually tell you about what is going on in my life... Not all the stuff that lead to this point. If you want to know that you will have to ask. :) *not holding breath*

Last Saturday I went out to a bar called Good Handie's. I have alwasy said, and still maintain, that i am not looking for a one-night-stand, but its a good place to meet people and practise my meager social skills. I went to GH's with Tsyche, and Anat. Anats' mom came over to bbsit (a sleeping baby).

It was my 3rd time at the bar. Anat wanted to dance the night away. She loved to dance and with many months since KG and many months still until WF she wanted to burn some rubber off her shoes.

I decided early on i was going to make sure that happpend. We sat upstairs and chatted, had some laughs and a few drinks. Midnight is when the show starts.

Immediately afterwards we hit the dance floor and used everything i ever learned at Arabesque dance school. :) Bellydancing to pop musing. XD I wore Anat right out as we danced until 2:30am practially non-stop.

During the night a very tall, very attractive philipino tgirl kept looking my direction and smiling. There was little chance i was going to approacher as i suck, i was with Anat, and i wasnt thinking about meeting anyone that night.

The drinks were on one side of the dance floor, we were on the other. So i danced over, had a drink, and danced back, prolly for the third time... This time though the girl mentioned about danced into my way, asking, "How are you tonight?" And before i had the chance to lock up and say something really stupid, replied, "I am great! And much better now. XD" She laughed, we continued dancing. She asked why i was there, i pointed to Anat and Tsyche and said, "I am with them."

Anat seen me dancing two more feet away than usual and before long we were all dancing together. (No this doesnt turn into a threesome! >( pervert! XD)

Throughtout the night we dance many times. Sometimes very close.

Around 2:30am Anat was burned out, and wanted to leave. I went upstairs to tell Tsyche.

Back downstairs i walked over to the girl i was dancing with all night, asked her name, and if she come to GH's often. She replyied "No. Give me you phone number"

I did.

She called last night around 8:30. (after a bit of phone tag.) She was downtown with friends. We met, she took me to a Jazz bar she likes (and knows the entire staff). We had some drinks. We talked. We had fun. I drover her home.

[CONT]... At a later time... XD

Think of how it felt this morning as you first opened eyes; try to feel how peaceful it was. Now think of you openning your eyes and you are not in your bed, its not dark, and you're driving 80km/h down some highway, or standing on the bus, or in an airport.

It would scare me half to death.

(Some sleep aides can cause this effect.)

I am going to have to get a picture of Alajjana.

resolve, ... with regret, and respite.

I never post the things that are going on in my life as they happen, but a friend sent me an email and this is (part) the the responce i sent back to him. He retired last June(2006). If you are inclined i am sure i mentioned something about it. Anyway...


"I am the H... fine. As usual. Nothing much has changed around here, the old are still getting older. Keith had to have laser surgery because he cornea wanted a divorce. His eye is still out of focus, but he can see. Dave is in florida because his dad go sick, and is in the hospital, while he was on vacation. He was supposed to be back tomorrow, he is not, something really serious must be going on.

The EQ tank construction job ended extremely well, and I got all the accolades that employees get after they do a terrific job. You can have some of the accolades, since you taught me all that i know: "" . Don't spend them all in one place. To bad there wasn't a way to move the quotation makes closer together. *rolls eyes*

Anat is back to work, she started on the 5th of Feb, and Kalyan has been in daycare since January. He is adjusting well, as he usually does. he likes going there which is nice. Anat is sorry she is missing some of the things he does, he is becoming a bit of a character. He is a very happy boy very helpful and agreeable. (except when he is tired obviously). Also when asked a question, he usually answers 'yes' (nods head) much more often than answers 'no' (shakes head).

Health wise we have been hit a couple of times, but we keep getting over it. K is sick a lot, but that's the life of a baby boy. We were all sick just after Xmas - near pneumonia, Anat had to take antibs. K was sick from Feb 8th until March 10th (or so) first with Roseola, then with a really bad cold (his first) and finally with an ear infection, which had him on anitibs too. While this was going on Anat had a sinus infection and was on two rounds of antibs throughout feb. They just started getting better and I got sick with an upper bronchial cold, that just doesn't want to leave. Its a lot better than it was, but I am refusing to get antibs myself.

Mostly things are good, you take away the bad and the BS, and things are really great. In many ways things are coming together for me...

Take care ..
talk soon.
Mark."

http://www.thestranger.com/savage/lustyladies

I can see 'it,' in me. I can almost feel, 'it'. Soon I am going to touch, 'it'. Then 'it', will be, mine. *nods*

The greatest part of life is the realization that I am about to do something new, and don’t stop myself from doing it...

The first thing that you should know about me is that I hate labels. They are far too limiting, and with me only seem to apply half the time anyway.

As an example, I am not to believe in astrology, but I am a true Pisces. (Two fish swim in opposite directions, but are bound together.)

I was born male, but I am not. I honestly cannot be sure of being female either. It took 35 years to start asking the right question to lead me where I am today and with the great deal of time I have spend living has a ‘him’, and only a very short time living as a ‘her’, I can only be sure of one thing; that I am ‘me’.

I am not in transition.

I wear men clothes, but I have a body of a man so to me that just makes sense. Clothes that are made for women are cut wrong and look like hell on me.

It also doesn’t matter to me of the world accepts me as a woman or not, as long as may partner understands, and accepts me. In the same way, I have never been accepted as a man when I am in a situation that calls for me to be one.

I am 40. I have been married for 9 years, and have been with the same wonderful woman for 19 years. Our son is almost 2yo. When we started dating we were both very messed up and we have done a lot of growing and always left each other plenty of room. We have always been oddly compatible in a way I was never able to put into words until I realized my true nature. We are the boy that was born a girl who married the girl that was born a boy. She is not an ftm, and has no desire to be a man, but she is much more of a man than I have ever been, and I am much more of a girl than she has ever been. We have given each other the freedom to sporadically date others. We both like women, but I like a much larger spectrum than she does. I find any woman that I would exchange bodies with attractive. On the topic of men: While I may find some men attractive, there are few I like, but like enough to be intimate? Not. (Ok there were two, but I didn’t pursue.)

I get my time to dress up and be the girl that I know that I am. I treasure it when it happens, though it is not nearly often enough.

Samantha/Mark (whatever works for you, works for me.)